2️⃣0️⃣1️⃣8️⃣ January Goals! ❄️☃️

When I took a look at my goals/resolutions from the previous years, the biggest thing I felt was the most important was to start off small and with some more attainable goals. Things I knew I could complete. I got a piece of paper and I starting writing down the first things that came to mind. I tried to make sure I hit at least one of the categories that I recently discussed in my last post and and got some inspiration from my last post to make sure that I was meeting the goals that I felt were the most important to me. I wanted to do eight goals because it’s 2018, but I didn’t get that far and I didn’t stress it either. Once I got everything together and I was happy with what I was seeing, I felt better and I was ready to go forward working on my goals.

My goals for January 2018 are:

1. Finish the book, “The Power of Positive Thinking,” by Norman Vincent Peale. 📚📚 | Reading and Writing
2. Write 8 journal entries. 📝📓 | Reading and Writing
3. Post 5 blogs. 📝🌎 | Reading and Writing
4. Eat 1 healthy meal each week. 🍎🏋🏾‍♀️ | Health and Wellness
5. Read and/or listen to at least 3 bible chapters per day. ✝️ | religion and Spirituality
6. Create a monthly budget. ☑️💰 | Money Management

One thing that helps me throughout the day is Prayer. I am going to pray about my goals and move forward from there. Since I found that one of the issues I have is forgetting my goals so I am going to write them on a card and keep them with me constantly so I can be constantly reminded of what to work towards.

Aiming for success this month!

-modelVaughnMarcel

New Year’s | Resolutions or Goals?

For the last three years, on New Year’s, I would write down a list of resolutions, but last year I called them “goals.” I had to remind myself what the definition of both was for this year so I could figure out a better way of setting “resolutions” or “goals” for this year. We are only six days (when I first started writing this) into 2018, and I have somewhat figured out a new method of doing the New Year’s Resolution/Goals thing, even though I haven’t figured out all of my goals I want to accomplish just yet.

SO, first, the definitions of resolution and goal are:

Resolution 

a firm decision to do or not to do something

Goal

the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired results

🎇Happy New Year 2015🎇

Happy New Year 2015

1. Continue to work on my relationship with God. ❤️✝️

I do believe this year I did this about 50% of the time. I definitely could have done much better that year, but I think more towards the end of the year, I began to do much better. I didn’t really make it to where I wanted to be, but I am constantly trying and working towards this goal.

2. Read 12 books. 📚📚

I honestly don’t think I read even one book that year to be honest and that is because I spend entirely too much time watching television.

3. Finish things that I start. I think the only way I could have accomplished this resolution is if I had either started new things, or if I had worked on old things I had started and never finished. So, looking back on this now, I don’t think this was a proper resolution to begin with, I honestly don’t think I really even worked on it.

4. Stop cussing.🙊 This is still something I am working on. The big issue with this one is that I do well until something or someone makes me angry and then they start flying out.

5. Give 10% to God. ✝️ I did a pretty decent job of this that year. I actually still have what I consider a “balance for God” from that year because I did not tithe like I was supposed to for the Lord. I actually feel like I do a good job of this when I am constantly telling myself “first fruits.” Even though I was getting paid this year, I was forgetting to give God first. Some of that may have been that because I wasn’t going to church, subconsciously I just left out tithing.

6. Write more.📝 I couldn’t find any record of writing anything when I went researching for this blog. I am not going to say I didn’t write at all because I am sure I wrote something, however, since it wasn’t easy for me to find, this didn’t work out like I wanted it to.

🎇January 01, 2016🎇

My New Year’s Resolutions

1. I did not read the bible in its entirety. I don’t think I even got halfway through the bible. I worked on this using a bible plan and sometimes I followed the plan and sometimes I didn’t. A lot of the times I was not following the plan was because I was reading further ahead than where I should have been.
2. I think people would assume if you say you want to read the bible in its entirety then you are going to read it daily and that is not the case. While I was working on reading the bible in its entirety, there were days I did not read it and I still didn’t get behind, but I know that there are many ways it can be done. To me reading the bible every day was important because it would create a habit of getting into the word of God every day. It would allow for more knowledge of God and God’s word to sink in and it would allow for you to memorize the word and apply it to your everyday life.
3. This is so hard for me! I think it’s hardest for me because there are so many people around me and I have a child who is a picky eater and who doesn’t always like to eat certain things, so this has been hard for me. It’s also been hard for me because I have been in a depressed state of mind for a long time, probably on and off. (I will go in depth about this later). But, because of many things, it made it harder for me to eat and drink clean.
4. This obviously didn’t happen because I wasn’t able to eat clean like I intended to.
5. Write something daily. Just like the previous year, I wasn’t able to find too much I wrote in 2016, which means I didn’t write enough.
6. This was important for me because I used to be very free spirited and I used to be very open to many things but since depression, becoming a mother, and even having to come back home to Kansas City a few years ago, I think all of that changed me a lot. Mostly into someone I don’t like or enjoy being, which is why I wanted to take a risk again to remember what that was like to just feel free and to stop living in fear.
7. This kind of went with the weight loss and eating clean. I felt so much better in general when I did not eat beef and pork and drink soda. This didn’t happen, maybe it did for a little while and then it just stopped over time. I used to be very good at saying I would no longer do either, but I would have to say for like the last five to six years it has been hard to stop with all of them.
8. Read more than watch T.V has been very hard for me. I have really just gotten into a lazy state of mind and I just don’t want to work for the imagination anymore and I haven’t been. I have just NOT been trying. I still start a book and then just will not finish it and then will start another book, and that was a continually phase. And instead of reading before bed, I will watch T.V. to put me to bed and that is just all types of bad FOR ME! I used to be much better at reading and writing and for the last few years it has just not been happening like I wanted it to.
9. This one deserves some victory because I actually DID do this. Now, I will be honest and say that I did miss a couple of Sundays for a few different reasons, one time because got a flat tire, a few times because I was out of town, and I think, maybe, once or twice because I was sick, but I was VERY FAITHFUL! 🙌🏾🙌🏾
10. This one is just like that one from the year before I think. If I was still struggling with trying to FINISH projects and I still have unfinished projects, then how can I start new ones. It really doesn’t surprise me that I didn’t get that one accomplished.
11. This one is talking about working my Mary Kay business. And the reason that I do not do well at this is because this needs its own set of goals before it can be more successful. I will go through times when I am working super hard at it and then I am not touching it. So, this needs to have goals within it in order for me to strive at it.

🎇Happy New Year: 2017 Goals🎇

1. January 1-21, first fruits fasting and praying. I was not able to successfully do this in January or alone. I was able to do a liquid fast the first three days of the year. I was then able to do the next four days of eating only at night and then that did not happen. I wanted to do the first fruits of the year and that did not happen, but for the first five months of the year I did a three day liquid fast the first three days of each month and then in June I did a 21 day liquid day fast.

2. Read the Bible in entirety. Again, this did not happen completely. One of the reasons it did not happen is because I did not want to reread things I had already read the previous year, but I was able to get to 1 Samuel this year.

3. No eating out at fast food restaurants. I did okay at the beginning of the year, but then I started to slack off and that is mostly because fast food has become so convenient with the children and with yourself that it was a tad bit hard. So, what I would do when I did go to fast food restaurants was purchase food that was healthy. But, I do wish I had been able to do much better because I know it would have saved me money and that was the overall goal.

4. Start my YouTube Channel. This did not happen because of fear and feeling like I wasn’t good enough to do so.🤷🏾‍♀️

5. Read 24 Books This is another one that did not happen. I know that I read a Gordon Ramsey book last year and off the top of my head that is the only one. I did however start multiple books, but none of them got finished and I am still working on them now. 🤦🏾‍♀️

6. Move to California. This did not happen because I did not take the time to do the research that I should have done, but also because I wasn’t able to save the money to make the move, and lastly, and most importantly, when I went there to visit my best friend and stayed there for a week, I felt like that was just a vacation spot for me and not a final destination and living point for me. I felt like God didn’t mean for me to be there, so I decided to stop pursuing it and I’ve just been waiting.

7. Save $10,000 by Dec.31, 2018 I feel like I did this mostly as a challenge to myself and to keep me from spending money unnecessarily. And again it worked out well in the beginning of the year, but then when I forgot about it and began to lose sight of my resolutions, I didn’t even think about this anymore. So even though I gave myself two years to do it, at the end of the year I had $0 saved for this purpose or any other purpose.

8. Lose 90 pounds and get a breast reduction. This didn’t happen because I didn’t eat right, didn’t discipline myself enough and I didn’t have the money.

9. Publish 1 book. I didn’t finish any of my books and I didn’t work to publish the one that I do have finished.

10. Grow out my hair 10 inches. I think I was able to grow my hair out about 2½ to 3 inches and I was proud of that. I do however believe I could have done better though.

11. Change my eating habits. This did not happen for the same reason that it didn’t happen the prior year(s).

12. Leave the country at least 1 time. This didn’t happen because I didn’t have any money.

13. Study becoming “wife ready.” I felt like I didn’t know what to do with this so I didn’t actually start trying or doing the research I needed to do in order to make this happen.

14. Write something, anything daily. This is the same the previous years. I did not find a ton of content, which means I clearly didn’t write something daily.

15. Listen to something, anything daily. I did a good job of this sporadically throughout the year until around August and basically all I wanted to do was feed my brain something positive whether it be affirmations or an audio book or a positive videos on YouTube. The point was just to feed the brain something positive.

16. Do one thing with the journal from seminar. Sadly, I don’t even remember what seminar I went to that I was talking about, or what journal. Smh. 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

17. No unnecessary spending for six months. I can’t really remember how well I did. I think I did pretty well. I don’t remember buying anything or a lot of things I didn’t need last year. I would have to say the most I purchased that I didn’t need to purchase was when I went to California. So I guess I did do well because that trip wasn’t until September.

So, that was just a rundown of all of my previous years and resolutions. I noticed there were a lot of repeats or subject similarities in my resolutions/goals the last few years. I would have to say the main ones fell under the categories of:

• Religion/Spirituality ✝️🙏🏾
• Reading and Writing📚📝
• Health & Wellness🍎🏋🏾‍♀️

Those seem to be the three I want to accomplish the most because I mentioned something about them each year. So, it got me to thinking about the resolutions and why I did not accomplish them like I wanted to. Then I realized I should have reset my goals and created them in different ways. I actually feel like I was setting myself up to fail. I should have been adjusting them each year based on how well I did the previous year. So, for example, in 2016 I said I wanted to read 12 books that year and then in 2017 I said 24. In actuality I should have just said something like 6 books in 2017 instead because I didn’t even meet the goal of 12 the previous year. Same with the reading the Bible in one year. Since I didn’t finish it the first year I set the goal, I should have modified it the following year to maybe, read half the Bible in a year the following year. Weight loss, maybe just lose a 30 since I didn’t lose 60. All these things I realized I didn’t meet because I didn’t set realistic resolutions/goals for myself in the first place.

So, these last three years of making resolutions/goals has definitely taught me a lot about myself and how I should do better at setting more short-term goals and as I reach and conquer those goals, then set new ones. I have learned by using the SMART technique that measuring goals is really smart and because of that, I have learned a new way of doing just that with my goals. I’ve learned that when in my own depressed state of mind, reaching goals isn’t easy. Actually, I don’t reach then. When I am not seeking God, reaching my goals does not happen. I’ve learned that instead of trying to push myself hard in the beginning, I need to start off slowly because if I put too much on myself I get overwhelmed and then I will give everything up. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing and that’s never helpful and never will be. I’ve made myself lazy over the years and I have made myself a quitter. Actually, can’t even say a quitter, it’s more like giving up.

So, I decided that this year I am not going to push myself into depression and anxiety again. I am not going to push myself to try and do things that I may not actually be able to do. I am going to set realistic goals and I am going to work on and I am going to do them one at a time and at my own pace.

Stay tuned for my updated list of Goals for JANUARY 2018 because that is how I will be setting my goals from now in. On a month to month basis and then at the end of the year I am going to see what the progress looked like and use that to help me the following year.

My biggest piece of advice: SATRT OFF SMALL, Start with a goal you KNOW you can achieve.

🎇HAPPY NEW YEAR 2018!! 🎇

–modeVaughnMarcel

Chapter 30: Reverse 🔀 to Positive ➕ Thinking 💭

 I felt like I was having the worst morning last week! As you can see, the mindset was completely negative and I was having a pity party. What the was doing was causing me to have some anxiety, it was causing me to be completely unfocused, and honestly, I didn’t want to do anything but whine that day, but he wouldn’t let me. 

This is me talking with a new friend, we shall call them PT, in my life and instead of giving me the “it’s gone be okay” line, he made me reverse my thinking right then. Just to see him turn what I felt like was a morning of despair filled with negative thinking to a reflection of the day and my life into positive thinking just blew my mind. In PT’s response, I immediately stopped and started thanking God for each statement PT reversed into something positive. PT was right, there was someone wishing they had the ability to go to school. Someone else is sitting in a fertility clinic wishing they could have a child without the extras. It was important to have that realization because someone we as humans get lost in the negatives that we can’t be grateful for what God had blessed us with. 

[Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight. Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves], That you make shoe yourselves to be blameless and guiless, innocent and uncontaminated, children of God without blemish (faultless, unrebulable) in the midst of a crooked and wicked generation [spiritually perverted and perverse], among whom you are seen as bright lights (stars or beacons shining out clearly) in the dark world.” 

Philippians 2:13-15

Meyer, Joyce. Everyday Life Bible. Faith         Words. New York: 2006. 1952-3.

 As a Christian woman, I already know God does not like a complainer, and I even know better to complain, but I did that day and I probably do everyday. The funny thing is I was never a complainer. I may have gripped about things but for the most part, I made sure I pulled the positive out of everything because I always knew it could be much worse. I was looking at people around me and that I’m close to who’s was showing me how worse it could be, so I knew! I don’t like being a complainer because it’s such a huge insult to God and he deserves better. 

When I reversed my level of thinking that day, it got so much better. Just by switching my mind from the negatives to the positives, I was able to get through the day completely focused and without a care in the world. When I thought I wanted to complain about something, I thought about and looked for the positive instead of the negative and that really did help me go about the day. That test I was upset about? I got a “B” on it the next day. My daughter, I just gave her more time and showed her even more love and she was happy. The money issues, I’ve just managed to not worry about it and do what I can. 
We have to change our thoughts and our ways of thinking because that is really what determines whether or not we have a good day or a bad day. We decide that for outselves. I lnowbits easier said than done, I do get that, but you have to try because it will make a difference in how your days and then essentially the rest of your life goes.

-modelVaughnMarcel 

Chapter 30: Consistency [more like rambling….]

I can’t remember a time in my life where I lacked consistency until now. I mean I’ve never really been a start something until I finish it BEFORE going on to the next project, but I at least remained consistent I. The many projects I was doing and working on. Now, it feels like I can’t do much as finish a crossword puzzle without being completely bored. I’ve got writing pieces I’ve started that are and have been unfinished for too many years. It’s nuts really because I know the gifts and talents I possess, I just have to put my mind to them and push myself to be consistent with them until they have been completed. Again, then I go back to that point where I’m like, “where do I start?” SMH 🤦🏾‍♀️. However, I think the first step to bring consistent is to have some form of routine. You cannot be consistent without a routine or some type of schedule. For example, with this blog, I came back into it wanting to post at least one blog per day starting September 21, 2017, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened that way, so instead I changed the entire outlook at a minimum of 365 post between September 21, 2017 and September 21, 2018. The first thing I told myself was, “I can’t do it. I won’t be consistent. I’ll give up.” That’s how I’ve been talking to myself for years now and it’s so damn terrible. So, if I’m telling myself the moment I set a g aol that I’m not going to fulfill it or that I’m not going to be consistent, how can I push the Consistency back into my life?? 🤔🤔 I kind of find it funny that I just keep asking myself the same exact questions. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. It really seems like it’s only good if I actually work towards those things I’m asking myself. I have no idea right now about all these questions I keep asking myself. The OVERTHINKING questions. I feel like the best thing to do is JUST DO IT!! Without thinking about it. But switching from overthinking to NOT overthinking is going to take some adjusting time, but as long as I keep it imbedded in my head, I should feel great! Amazing actually! I am excited just thinking about the progress I want to make because I know how great it can be for me mentally. My mental state is where I need to begin because I know it will bring out the greatness in me for sure. I’ve seen me great before, I just have to actually be great again. . . 

I don’t know about this whole writing piece! It just felt like a tone of rambling on the plane. 

–completed on September 25, 2017 in the air above Denver, Colorado around 10:03 PST

Chapter 30: Where do I start?

It’s impossible to know where I should go from here. I have so many things going on in my head that I just can’t find my starting point. Usually I start with talking to God, but lately my faith has seemed to have left me. I still believe in God and I still believe in what He can do for me, but actually talking to Him and requesting guidance, I can’t right now. I cannot do it. It feels strange to not be able to tak to God, but I know I can’t force it. If I force it I won’t feel sincere, because it won’t be sincere. Part of my feelings I’ve been dealing with, I know are because I’ve been neglecting to speak with God, but the time will come when I will feel Him speak to my heart and that is when I will speak back. In the meantime I intend to take the time to figure out, or just remember what I’ve always wanted out of life and try to start from there. When I was working my first job, a customer told me, “you can do anything you want to do and be anyone you want to be!” Since then I’ve wanted to do just that. I’ve wanted to be just that. I am so excited about the things that I think about doing, but then the moment something goes wrong or I get discouraged, I just give up. That’s so funny to me because I never remember being that way. I’ve always remembered doing all these things to the best of my ability no matter the outcome. And if the outcome wasn’t a good one, I’d just keep trying. Now, lately, giving up has seemed like the absolute only option when things go wrong and that one bit of discouragement pops up. I don’t know when I lost my drive and my concentration to keep moving forward, but I did, and I need that back. I can’t be successful if that’s how I’m living my life. I’ll never get anything accomplished and I haven’t been getting much accomplished. At least I don’t feel that way. I feel like I could have been a millionaire by now had I kept on trying, but I didn’t. I remember I always loved this quote by Thomas Edison: 

I don’t think I’ve ever seen something more positive!! I used to be obsessed with this quote because it meant that failure did not exist. Can you imagine if Edison had of stopped at three when making the light bulb??? We’d still be using candles and lanterns, OR someone else may have invented it, but I think it was meant for Edison. I don’t want to still be in the same mental state I’m in a year from now. I want to have excelled and to have move forward in my life like I’ve never stopped believing in myself. I’ve got to figure out ways to motivate myself again, but I’ve also got to figure out what I want to do and where I want to start! I feel like I’m off to a great start because I did go back to school, but I need something else as well. School, I know I won’t be quitting and I know I will always strive to be great at schooling, so now I feel like there is a next step and something else to work towards. I’ve had some many ideas and dreams. Some of them include: 

• Being a Mary Kay consultant. 
• Starting a clothing line.
• Writing books. 
• Creating a foundation related to autism. 
• Creating an online boutique. 
• Going back to modeling.
• Starting a YouTube channel.

And that’s just a few! I’ve always felt like I’ve had so many amazing ideas, but I can’t seem to keep them going to finish them, and it’s because I have so much going on in my head. Having a starting point has, and I feel will always be important, but again, I have to start somewhere. I have to believe in myself enough to start somewhere and I don’t know where that somewhere is yet. I feel like I’m already disorganized, so just starting anywhere doesn’t seem like a good idea, but then again it DOES!! I tend to overthink EVERYTHING so maybe that’s what I’m doing. Maybe I just need to stop thinking and just start doing!! 

I will say this: having the guidance you need from God will always be important, which is why you should never NOT have that guidance. Not being able to talk to God is probably why I feel like this. It’s a threshold I’ve got to get past and move on so I can feel and be much better. I’m excited about what’s to come once I really get out there and start working on the passions and dreams and ideas that always made me the happiest. 

–modelVaughnMarcel

Chapter 30: Reflections

Even before I was in California, I started to reflect on my life and my world around me. The worst things I ever did to myself was stop believing in myself and stop trying. I went through a time in my life when I just didn’t care anymore. Life was just over for me mentally. Life was just running past me and I was letting it. I wasn’t living up to my full potential, any potential. I was faking it to my outside world. I wasn’t exercising my brains, I called myself stupid. I didn’t even try to utilize the gifts God had given me to be the best He wanted me to be. I’ve been insulting my Father. I was in a state of depression and I didn’t even know it. I had anger and hatred and jealously in my heart and I didn’t know it. I had killed my self esteem. I had lost the drive to dream. I had lost all my dreams.  I didn’t want to strive to do better. And then I reflected on my life. God had really brought me through storms. God had really saved my life and my soul. I had to remember that I was a mother. I had to remember the things I wanted out of life. I had to remember the things my child needs in life. I needed the time away from my life so I could reflect on my past and make plans for my future. Being with my best friend, in my dream place, has opened my eyes to remembering the things I wanted out of life and the places I wanted to be and take my child. I’ve felt so much better since being here and I’ve been able to talk to myself about what I need to do once I get back to my home and family. I realized that everyday lost is another opportunity lost. I once said, “I need her [Ahyoka] to see success when she looks at me,” and I meant that, so I have to execute that. I’ve told myself it has to be done. I’ve been wasting time and wasting my life and everyone around me has been living. I want to live again, so I’m going to live again. 

–modelVaughnMarcel

Happy New Year 2015

It’s been a bit of a dark and gloomy day in my house today, January 1, 2015. Not because we are all depressed or anything, but because I think we were all so mentally exhausted and ready to be out of 2014! So many people make so many statements about people talking about changing for the New Year, and doing things when the New Year starts, and I have seen some people that think it’s bulls**t that people say they are going to change and sometimes it might be, but just because there is no progress right away, or just because people don’t even change at all, doesn’t mean they did not genuinely try, or they did not genuinely want to. Me, I’m a little bit of both. Since I am such an anal person, it’s hard for me to just say, “Right now Vaughn, do this!” I have a hard time doing that. I have to have starting points, and I have to have deadlines with things, I have to give myself time to process things. Thus far in my life, I haven’t had the ability to just stop something or just start something just because I felt like it today, but that’s just who I am. So, for me, the New Year is a great time for me to start something new, or try something new. For me, the New Year is the start of new beginnings. Now, I’m not going to say that for the New Year I’m an going to flick a switch and me a new person, because life just doesn’t work that way, but I am going to say that I am going to start this New Year off right, better than I started my day yesterday with working on becoming a better me. We are human, never perfect, never perfect 10’s so that means that there is always room for improvement. There is always room for me to improve me and that is what I am working on this year and I am proud to say I started that today. My new morning routine was a challenge because it is something new, but it’s going to be a challenge until it becomes a hands down routine, and then I will do it all over again tonight. I am always excited to push myself to move forward and to be better, I didn’t do a lot of that last year. In fact, I didn’t do much last year that was for me, I think this year I should make some changes to that.

Every day I post a scripture, today the scripture was: Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

I wanted to choose from quite a few different scriptures, but this one stuck out. It stuck out because it was almost like it was talking to me. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” God knows that I often, more too often dwell on things that happened in the past, things that I cannot take back, things that I cannot change, why? And the funny thing is I often ask myself why I am dwelling on the past. I know that it’s wasting time for me right now in the present and for my future. When we dwell on our past, it often makes it difficult for our future to be a happy and prosperous one because we have talked ourselves out of things and we have made ourselves remember the pain of something that we don’t want to attempt it again. When we do that, it only makes it harder for us, we miss out blessings, and we choose the wrong forks in the road. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want everything to be brand new and I want everything to be a fresh start. Instead of dwelling on the past, I want to right the wrongs from my past. Rekindle my most important relationships, prosper in ways that I never have because I let the past hold me back. I want to continue on my journey of being better, and of growing into a much stronger and head strong person. I don’t, in fact, I WON’T continue to let my past hold me back and block my blessings anymore. I know what I am capable of and I know what God has blessed with me and I have to stop insulting Him by not doing those things. I got to do better, for me. I have to show Him I’m appreciative.

Another Scripture that I saw this morning was, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Let me first start off by saying that I love the book of Wisdom because it teaches us so much. I so often question God. I know there are so many people out there that are like, “OMG, you don’t question God. Why would you question God?” And all that jazz. Well, whether you agree with me or not, I’m going to do it. I need clarity and there is nothing wrong with questioning God to get that. How do you expect God to speak with you or tell you what’s what if you’re not asking Him the right questions? Me, I am going to ask away so He can speak to my heart and move me in the right directions. I will be honest and say that sometimes I do not listen to God, or sometimes I do not know when it is Him talking to me, but again, I’m human. I’m still trying and I’m still learning, that is what God wants from all of us, our best effort. I give that, probably not as much as I can. But I do give it. It is one thing I know I can do better and that I must do better.

2014 was a really big year for me. It was a good year and a bad year. I had some good, some bad, and some heartache and heartbreak. I met the true love of my life in 2014 when I gave birth to my daughter. God gave me the best gift He could ever give me. I am amazed every day that I look at her. I am excited every time I see her smile at me. She is and means more than everything to me. I met some new people last year, some amazing people, and some extremely talented people. I let go of some people last year, I let go of a strong love that I had for someone for a very long time. It was hard to not send that morning scripture to that person this morning saying Happy New Year, but I said I had to leave them in 2014 and in my past because there will be nothing in the future for us. I had to force myself to leave that person behind because that person and that hold I gave that person on me does not do anything but block something real that God had for me later, this year, I am going for that real love. This year I am going for what I should have never left. And there were so many other things that I left back there as well. I met the true love of my life in 2014 when I gave birth to my daughter. God gave me the best gift He could ever give me. I was sitting in church last night and on my mind I had something going on, I was truly disappointed in something and the approach that I had for the situation was negative, and I don’t mean negative in a bad way, but a negative approach to the situation altogether and the pastor said, “leave that stuff in the past, leave the negatives, the people that did you wrong, leave the pain, the disappoints, and the lets down in the past and move forward to something better.” When he did the alter called I practically ran to the alter to shout to God and I could feel Him flowing through me. I could feel Him calling me back to Him and calling me to His house. I needed that ending to my year. Those feelings brought me back to the amazing places I have been with God and made me want to experience even more amazing places with God.

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” – Ecclesiastes 3:1

The 2014 season is over. I don’t think I will miss it either. I am happy to see it go because I am happy to see what God has that is new for me this year and the many years to come. I am excited to see what God is going to bless me and my daughter with. Last night the pastor told us don’t pray for specifics, he said to pray for “favor.” I never do that, so I am going to get much better at that. It’s another way to be clear when praying to the Lord.

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I am always excited to come into a New Year because I am always excited of what’s to come next. The new people that I will meet, the new Places I will go, the new everything! I am excited to see how such my daughter will grow and even myself. I am excited to see the life changing event of 2015. God is going to bless me with. God is going to live in me and my heart so that I can do nothing but prosper this year. I have even already started on some projects to launch this year that are things I am nervous, skeptical, and excited about. I am going through some changes and wanting to branch out into things outside my comfort zone. This year I am working on my weight, better eating habits, learning to take better care of me health wise and my daughter as well. My ultimate goal is to be much healthier and eat a lot healthier. Health is becoming a bigger part of my life now since my daddy had a health issue, plus I was diagnosed with an illness that I am still learning how to deal with, asthma that is also a fairly new diagnosis for me as well. All reasons to be sure I take better cate of myself.

I am going to end this post with my New Year’s resolutions. I don’t usually have those that I post. I usually keep this private and for me, but this time I want to post it up and see how it goes.

Vaughn New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

1. Continue to get work on my relationship with God – I have been working at this and then not working on it and it’s been so back and forth, but after being in church last night and feeling how I felt and watching my daughter react to the congregation and to me singing her church songs I realized that I have to keep that up. I have to continue to show her God and make sure that she has a relationship with Him and make sure that she is better than me. I want more for her than I have for myself and in order for her to get that it has to start with my relationship with God and how my walk and love for God transfers to her.
2. Read at least 12 books this year – Last year I had something similar to this, I actually said read 100 books and that all books counted, but that’s not realistic especially with everything that I have going on. The resolution is to actually make myself read more because I have become too dependent on the television and I have let it really trap me. I can’t learn much from watching television and I like the way that reading books helps me to visualize.
3. Finish things that I start – It has become hard for me to finish things that I start and that is because I get bored easily, but now since working with a therapist and working on getting to know my illness and getting to know me more, it is helping me to get better at finishing my tasks. I know that with lots of prayer and continuous work with my therapist, things are going to be great.
4. Stop cussing – I have a horribly potty mouth to be such a beautiful woman and I cannot seem to get my mouth under control. I keep telling myself that I am going to work on it, but sometimes it’s hard and when I stress and vent the 4 letter words just keep on coming. I gotta stop. I don’t want my daughter to pick up that habit because once you have it it’s so hard to break it.
5. Give 10% to God – I notice that when I give God His tithes and offerings, he shows me favor in my finances.
6. Write more – I love to write and when I get the juices flowing it just flows, and flows, and flows. I miss that feeling of creativity and I want that back. I have quite a few pieces that I have already started writing and I am going to get some things in order. I am working on quite a few different blogs of my own and then also a few different books, and then also so things for a website for a friend, and then a full and complete website for another friend. It’s wild and crazy. So many things that I could be writing and so many ideas, and I haven’t been executing them. I am going to do that now and that started today, with my blog!

Okay, so I want to just tell everyone that take the time to read this, thank you and I love you for it!! Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope that everyone with resolutions is able to do fulfill their resolutions by the end of the year and if you need a push or I need a push, I’ll be here and blogging!!!

just a friendly reminder . . .

[writer] –noun

1. A person engaged in writing books, articles, stories etc., especially as an occupation or profession; an author or journalist. 2. A clerk, scribe, or the like. 3. A person who commits his or her thoughts, ideas, etc., to writing. 4. A person who writes or is able to write.

[model]

1. A standard or example for imitation or comparison. 2. A representation, generally in miniature, to show the construction or appearance of something. 3. An image in clay, wax, or the like, to be reproduced in more durable material. 4. A person or thing that serves as a subject for an artist, sculptor, writer, etc. 5. A person who profession is posing for artists or photographers.

[passion] – noun

1. Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate. 2. Strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor. 3. Strong sexual desire; lust. 4. An instance of experience of strong love or sexual desire. 5. A person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire

[motivation] – noun

1. The act of instance of motivating, or providing with reason to act in a certain way. 2. The state of condition of being motivated. 3. Something that motivates; inducement; incentive

(motivating; motivated; motivates) –verb – to provide with a motive or motives; incite; impel

[dedication] – noun

1. The act of dedicating. 2. the state of being dedicated. 3. A formal, printed in scription in a book, piece of music, etc., dedicating it to a person, cause, or the like. 4. A personal, handwritten inscription in or on a work, as by an author to a friend. 5. A ceremony marking the official completion or opening of a public building, intuition, monument

(dedicate; dedication; dedicated) – verb – 1. To set apart and consecrate to a deity or a scared purpose. 2. To devote wholly and earnestly, as to some person or purpose. 3. To offer formally (a book, piece of music, etc.) to a person, cause, or the like in testimony of affection or respect, as on a prefatory page 4. (loosely) to inscribe a personal signature on (a book, drawing, etc., that is one’s own work), usually with a salutation addressing the recipient. 5. To mark the official completion or opening of (a public building, monument, highway, etc.), usually by formal ceremonies

 

Just a friendly reminder to myself, sometimes I tend to forget. I allowed someone to literally suck the life out of me for many years and because of that I lost myself as both a writer and a model. I forgot about the two things that I am most passionate about. I was no longer motivated to take part in my passion and I no longer dedicate any real time to my passions. I’ve been dead to both, for so long and I don’t want to be anymore. I have removed that person from my world and now it’s time to put myself back in my own world. I can’t believe I allowed myself to allow someone else to pull the life right from under me, but I can’t dwell on that now. I have to move forward, I have to get better, I have to be better. It takes one day at a time, but I’m working at it. I’m getting there. The sad thing is, it’s now a task, it feels like something I am being made to do and I don’t like that. In fact, I hate that. I used to just get a vision and that would be it, but it’s hard for me to do that and I need it to not be hard. I need it to be like it was, so I have to get me like I was. For me that means lots of prayers, lots of time that is no longer being wasted, and lots of distractions that I can longer take part in it. It means WORK! DEDICATION! TIME! It means every day when I wake up I have to look at my baby girl for that MOTIVATION! Writing and Modeling are the two things I have been able to do naturally and with very little training my entire life. The two things that I am completely versatile in and whatever you ask me to write, and however you ask me to model, I can do it. I always have been able to. They are my God given talents and I have to use them. When I don’t use them, I’m insulting God & insulting God is not the woman I care to be. I could go on and on about this all day, but there is no need, but I’m going to go on and on with something else today, writing! In any way I can, I am going to write, letters, stories, journal entries, notes. Today is a day that I am going to DEDICATE to writing! My first step to going back into becoming the great woman that God intended for me to be, starting with writing!

🚫 NO MEDITATION 🚫

They say it takes 30 days to break a habit, so then how long will it take to form a habit??? Like I said yesterday, when you don’t properly plan ahead, then you’re kinda forcing yourself to not even get someone done. When you don’t plan then it’s easy to forget or just not do something. For me, yesterday, it was a busy day, a back and forth day, a cleaning day, ugh! By the time I got back home from my last visit with my daughter, I just went ahead and went to sleep. I didn’t even eat. My brother brought me food, woke me up to give me food, I ate, and passed back out. I couldn’t get my mind  prepared for  meditation, especially at 10pm. It just wasn’t in me and I refused to force it. I had to just let my body do what it wanted to do, so I did. Not too proud of it, but it just means do better next time. So I will.

Goal: To actually make sure to meditate for the the day.

🎎 Interrupted Meditation 🚫

Day 02 of meditation didn’t go so well as Day 01. I did do the meditation in the same location as the initial meditation and it just didn’t work out the same. I have yet to get a routine together for my daily living, so life without routine (in my opinion) makes the day just outright messy! For me, the day is messy! Lol, there is no order and without order everything just happens at random. I don’t think meditation should be that way. I think meditation should be done at a certain time of day, every day, and at a certain place.

6/20 minutes of my meditation was completed yesterday. I was again at the hospital and there were many forces against me that were really hard not to focus on. My first day meditating was during the day and at the hospital, there were a lot of noices and voices, but nothing like day 02. Day 02, I tried to do it as the night, late at night,  and I tried to do it when there were a lot of babies crying. As a new mother, it’s hard to find stillness and not want to cradle a crying child. It was not my child crying, but it was the sound itself. And it was more than one baby. Not only was it the baby’s crying, it was also the sounds the machines make, and the people walking. it also did the help that I was tired and that I was not able to truly focus on my word, “Rum,” either. My mind was racing and I wasn’t really able to stop it.  So many things about the baby that I was concerned about that just wouldn’t leave my mind, even with me repeating my word over and over again in my head. Last but not least, the nurse. She walked in my daughter’s room and immediately started talking and that was the sole interruption right there. Once she walked in and starting talking to me, I knew there was no way I would be able to continue. I hoped that wouldn’t happen but it did anyway and by the time the conversation was over it was past 12am, so that went my meditation for the day. Stillness has to become a part of me, it’s definitely needed.

Goal: To meditate earlier in the day, in one place, at the same time.